The Difference Between "Impossible" and "Improbable"
Or, How A Drycleaner's 17 "Checks" Can FAIL

Let's face it, there are times in our life as consumers when wonky things happen.

A few years back, Deb bought me a pretty expensive electronic gadget at our local Target. I opened the box and, oops, turns out it was a "re-gift." Not by my lovely wife, mind you, but by the electronics manager at the store.

You see, some other person bought this item previously, took it home, pried it open, and tried to mod(ify) it. (Techies can probably guess what this was -- it starts with and ends with an X.) This person also liked to chew tobacco. How did I know this?

My new gadget was dusty, had pry marks on its plastic edges, all the screw hole stickers were removed, and the whole thing smelled exactly like... chew.

So, back to the store that very evening, and, after a 30 minute not-so-nice exchange with said manager -- who believed it was somehow my fault and not the 16-year-old who works over at the returns desk and didn't bother to open the box before giving this guy a refund and then returned it to his dept. and put back on the shelf for Deb to buy -- he finally saw the light of day and swapped it out for a truly un-opened, new version.

Excellent. Score one for the consumer.

Today, I confront a somewhat similar situation. There's a retailer involved -- an Apex drycleaner (who shall remain nameless pending the outcome of this farce) and me, a consumer.

When you drop off clothes at a drycleaner, you expect a few things.

• Quick service - check.
• Nicely pressed articles that are clean upon return - check number two.
• And, heck, it goes without saying, you pick up your bagged items and WHAT'S INSIDE IS YOURS.

I think you see where this is going. Late December, back from the holidays, I dropped off three pairs of pants at this place -- two black, one brown. All three, sized 34 X 30.

Deb picked up these items about two weeks later and brought them home. In the bag, clear to see, were two pairs of black pants, and one brown. My pants, right? Into the closet, no need to wear 'em right away, some time goes by.

I finally get around to opening the bag early last week and, yep, color and number right, size and brands of two wrong -- 32 X 30 all three, one black matched my original pants' brand, and the remaining two were super-expensive Dokker's.

Not mine. Not any of 'em. Zip.

So, back to the store. And this new word pops up -- impossible: "Sir, it is impossible for this to happen. I can't help you."

Impossible, or improbable?

Impossible: not capable of occurring or being accomplished or dealt with; "an impossible dream"; "an impossible situation"

Improbable: not likely to be true or to occur or to have occurred; "legislation on the question is highly unlikely"; "an improbable event"

Clearly it's the latter. Not likely, but did.

So back and forth with the store manager, who somehow can't trace the yellow numbered tags that are his store's/still on the pants/but can't tell him who brought them in, but can say with certainty that this is "impossible" and can't ever, ever happen.

Confusion reigns. So, what to do.

I file a written complaint, which he gives to the real owner of his store, and here's the letter I get back, word for word, minus the identifying stuff, for now:

"Dear Mr. Mclain, (right off he forgets the capital L. Great.) We are sorry about the misundertand (huh?) of liability regarding your items. (Besides the obvious gaff, not sure I've heard the word or been told about liability -- but I can see where he's going. This is a manager who loves legal policies, and not doing the right thing for his customers.)"

"Once a garmet(s) is removed from the cleaner any loose or damage (what?) that accrues (is this somehow related to accounting? We're not talking about loose/damaged stuff. WRONG stuff.) to this item is no longer the responsibility of the cleaner. Furthermore, once the garmets are accepted - received by the customer (no closing dash, nice) it is impossible to police the handling of these garmets."

Wow, a nice start. So his policy is -- you took it home, doesn't matter if it's the wrong item. You keep it. Makes me wish I'd gotten someone's insanely expensive suit? Onward.

"I can personally assure you that the likely hood (oops!) of exactly the same brand items (for the record, ONE was the same brand, not all three, two were different) only a one size different (again, it's TWO sizes, not one) different is just not possible. (It just IS improbable, see definition above.) More over (two words?) these items were not packaged together (they were when I got them, one plastic wrapped order coming right up) or even at the same times or dates (huh?); items 33/80&78 were processed on Dec 10 08 (over a month ago) [hey, my calendar works the same as yours, how cool] and item 83/90 was processed on Jan 2 09. (Well well, those tags are traceable to dates, shame not an original slip or NAME at the TOP as well.)"

So... improbable that these pants all came together and were handed to me? Yep.

"In processing your garmets we have 17 different check points throughout (17 checks that all = FAIL, and when I get this guy on the phone I'll try to get him to list all 17 out, should be interesting) so something of this nature would not just slip by. (But did.) Second, once an item has been received, accepted and removed from the cleaner for 24 hours the liability remains with the customer."

Look, I just want my own darn pants. Either you hide behind your policies or you make the customer whole. Clearly, this guy is a policy man.

"We can have the garmets let out to 34 free of charge if you would like."

So, the remedy = keeping some dudes small pants, and getting them super-sized with some awesome stick marks up the back for everyone to see? Is this guy CALLING ME FAT, that somehow I'm trying to get him to buy me new pants cuz I'm a fatty? Sounds like a basis for expanding my complaint, no? LOL!

"This is a free service we offer our best customers and as a way to strive to go above and beyond in assisting your needs" (No period on the end.)

Free? Best Customers? Above and Beyond, Assisting my Needs? None of the above, thanks.

"We value you as a customer; (only if you follow our policies and the improbable doesn't occur!) appreciate your business (not) and thank you for your understanding (not X 2) in regards to this matter. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to call or write."

No sir, no.

I've left you three cell phone messages -- two voice, one call back number -- and to my home number, and the phone has been quiet. It's clearly impossible that he doesn't know how to check his voicemail. Or improbable?

So, out to the store before my trip to San Diego to replace my missing pants, keep the receipt, and consider filing a BBB complaint, check into small claims court, and start an online campaign to be sure anyone Googling this establishment hears about this?

Guess so. Heck, I just want my pants back. Someone out there has 'em, hanging in his closet, still in the bag. Two black, one brown, just the wrong size, 2 are the wrong brand, and the tags on 'em can't possibly be traced back to me.

More to come...